Are you OK with not being OK?

​“Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.” ~ Dr. Susan David
 
In a world where there is constant pressure to be perfect, happy, and successful, admitting that we are "not OK" can feel like a personal failure. We live in a culture that glorifies the pursuit of happiness and encourages us to present a picture-perfect version of ourselves. Yet, the reality of life is messy, complex, and often full of challenges. So, the question I invite you to ask yourself is: Are you OK with not being OK?
 
From a young age, many of us receive the message that certain emotions—like sadness, anxiety, or anger—are undesirable. We are often encouraged to push them aside, keep our struggles to ourselves, and continue projecting an image of strength and success.
 
Social media exacerbates this issue by showcasing a filtered version of people’s lives, making it seem like everyone is thriving, achieving, and glowing with happiness. It’s easy to feel like we’re falling behind when we’re dealing with personal struggles, especially when it seems like everyone else has it all together. But the truth is, behind the scenes, everyone has their ups and downs, their difficulties, and moments when they are not OK.
 
This is especially true in the field of personal growth. In my own life—while I could easily feel compassion for others and understood the importance of having it for myself—I often struggled to admit my own negative emotions. I believed that because as a life coach I knew about these things, I had to at least be OK, if not happy, all the time. And of course, some well-meaning people would point it out to me when I was having an emotionally challenging day, saying, “You’re an expert on this, why can’t you help yourself?” I know some of you can relate! It took me many more years and much more work to allow myself not to be OK sometimes—and to be OK with it. And also, to be OK if others judged me for it. It was huge progress, though some days it still may feel like a struggle!
 
“Embrace the glorious mess that you are.” ~ Elizabeth Gilbert
 
It takes courage to admit our difficulties, to be vulnerable, to be authentic. In her groundbreaking research, Dr. Brené Brown highlighted the profound impact of embracing vulnerability on both personal and relational levels. Contrary to the belief that it is a sign of weakness, her findings show that it is a critical aspect of emotional strength and authenticity.
 
When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable by admitting that we are not OK, we make it feel safe for others to be vulnerable too, creating opportunities for deeper connections.

Brown notes that vulnerability promotes empathy, which is essential for building supportive and meaningful relationships, leading to an increased sense of community and belonging.
 
There can be also consequences to consistently repressing our true feelings. In The Myth of Normal, trauma expert Dr. Gabor Maté writes that long-term emotional suppression, is often the root of disease. When we deny our pain—whether it’s emotional, physical, or spiritual—it doesn’t disappear. Instead, it festers, contributing to chronic illness, mental health disorders, and addictions as we seek ways to numb the discomfort we learned not to feel.
 
The ability to sit with our uncomfortable feelings is incredibly powerful and essential for our well-being. But understanding why we are not OK with not being OK often requires exploring the deeper layers of our experience, particularly the impact of trauma. As Gabor Maté explains, trauma is not just about the difficult things that happened to us; it is about how those experiences shaped our nervous system, our beliefs about ourselves, and our relationship with the world. Trauma creates fragmentation within the self, leading us to suppress or dissociate from parts of ourselves to survive. Healing requires more than just acknowledging how we feel—it requires integrating the parts of ourselves that have been split off due to trauma.
 
I’ve tried many different approaches for my own healing, but I found Compassionate Inquiry to be truly life changing. This approach, developed by Dr. Maté, invites us to gently explore our emotions and pain with curiosity rather than judgment. By understanding the underlying reasons for our discomfort and reconnecting with our authentic selves, we can begin the process of deep healing.
 
Whether or not you feel ready for this kind of deep exploration, you are exactly where you need to be in your journey, and there are many things you can do for yourself right now.
 
Dr. Rick Hanson, a neuropsychologist known for his work on resilience, suggests that even small, daily acts of self-care can have cumulative benefits. He notes that by consciously focusing on positive experiences—such as moments of calm, connection, or gratitude—we can reshape our neural pathways to develop greater emotional resilience over time.
 
This can give us the inner resources to be able to sit with discomfort long enough when we are ready for the natural process of healing and integration of our wounded parts to take place.
 
One of the most profound lessons we learn about emotions is understanding that they are transient. Neuroscientific research has shown that emotions typically have a short lifespan, often lasting just 90 seconds unless we continue to feed them with ruminative thoughts. This means that even the most intense emotions will pass if we allow them to.
 
The reason we unconsciously avoid, dismiss, or numb our pain is because that’s what we had to do when we were very young and lacked the capacity to tolerate discomfort. Very few of us had an attuned parent or caregiver who could be with us in those moments to help regulate our sensitive nervous systems. Also, as children, we hadn’t yet developed the concept of time, so any experience felt as if it would last forever.
 
As adults, these insights can help us cultivate a healthier relationship with our emotional states. Rather than trying to force ourselves into constant happiness, we can learn to hold ourselves with tenderness and compassion during difficult feelings, knowing that they will pass. If it becomes overwhelming due to unprocessed emotions, we can ask for support from someone we trust, find a community, or seek professional help.
 
The reality is that pretending to be OK when we’re not, in the long term, can harm our mental and emotional well-being. It’s important to remember that being vulnerable and asking for support is not a sign of weakness, but rather an act of courage and self-love.
 
Choosing to be OK with unpleasant emotions is not about choosing to suffer; it’s about choosing not to run away from the truth. When we avoid the truth, we only create more suffering. When we are connected to and know our Essence, we can witness the younger parts of ourselves that are still hurting, waiting to be acknowledged, embraced, and loved. We realize that we cannot become whole by rejecting these parts, because they are simply adaptive behaviors we unconsciously developed in response to life. It is from this place of acceptance and love that we want to create a different reality for ourselves.
 
Being with discomfort is not just a momentary exercise; it is a beautiful doorway to healing and integration, where the fragmented pieces of our being come together, making us whole once again. We come to see that the discomfort we’ve been avoiding is not an enemy, but rather a perceived wall. On the other side of that wall lies everything we’ve been seeking, waiting for us to be ready to rediscover it. And that is the miracle of true healing.
 
“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh