“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” ~ Lao Tzu In ancient traditions, alchemy was regarded as the mystical science of transmuting base metals into gold. It is also a beautiful metaphor for the soul’s journey toward enlightenment. From the perspective of energy, inner alchemy is the process of transforming the raw, seemingly chaotic energies of our negative or unpleasant feelings into refined and desirable emotional states. This sacred art is a journey of self-awareness, healing, and integration, where we learn to transmute our inner states, converting dark and heavy emotions like fear, anger, or sadness into precious experiences of love, joy, and peace. Emotions—sometimes deciphered as energy in motion—can be understood as vibrations of energy that arise from within, each carrying its own frequency. While there is often an impulse to avoid or numb heavy emotions like fear, shame, anger, or grief, we can realize, just as alchemists did, that these dense emotions contain the seeds of transformation inside them. Inner alchemy teaches us that every emotion, even the most difficult one, has the potential to be refined into something incredibly valuable and beautiful. This is not a denial of suffering but a recognition that emotions are not fixed states. Instead, they are fluid, dynamic energies that evolve when we meet them with the right catalysts—awareness and love. The Base Energy of Raw Emotions “Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” ~ Pema Chödrön Experiencing raw emotions does not mean something is broken within us that needs immediate fixing, tempting as that thought might be. Instead, these feelings are simply messages from our unconscious, asking for our attention and ready to teach us something. In the words of the psychologist Carl Jung, “One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” The energy within anger, for instance, holds a fierce passion, a desire for boundaries and justice. If unacknowledged or suppressed, anger can turn into rage or aggression. When transmuted, it becomes courage and empowerment. Similarly, sadness can lead to depression and unhealthy ways to avoid it, but when embraced, it can open our hearts to tenderness, guiding us toward greater compassion and deeper connection with ourselves and others. Gabor Maté, a renowned physician specializing in trauma, reminds us that emotions are signals from the body and mind, asking us to pay attention to what needs healing. He emphasizes that suppressed emotions do not disappear—they stagnate and show up in other areas of our lives through addictions, physical or mental illness, or emotional numbness. This stagnation is similar to the alchemist’s material being trapped in an impure state. Inner alchemy invites us to honor these difficult emotions as raw material for transformation. Alchemical Tools: Awareness, Acceptance, and Integration “Awareness is the agent of change.” ~ Eckhart Tolle The first step in the alchemical process is awareness—acknowledging the emotion without judgment. Just as the alchemist must recognize lead as the starting point of transformation, we must recognize our emotional states without labeling them as good or bad. This is often the most difficult step, because we are conditioned to suppress unpleasant emotions. However, when we meet our emotions with compassion and curiosity, we feel safer to be with them, which begins to loosen their grip on us. The next step is acceptance—allowing the emotion to be felt fully without resistance. As the poet Rumi teaches in his famous poem The Guest House, every emotion is a visitor that has something to offer. “Welcome and entertain them all,” Rumi urges, reminding us that even the darkest emotions carry gifts when we receive them openly. Acceptance does not mean wallowing in pain; it is a conscious choice to embrace our experiences, knowing that it is all part of being human. Finally, integration occurs when we begin to alchemize the energy of the emotion. This means recognizing what the emotion is teaching us and allowing its energy to shift organically. Through practices like breathwork, journaling, meditation, or creative expression, we can transform emotions from heavy and constrictive to light and expansive. Integration takes place when we stop resisting and give this energy permission to evolve, revealing its hidden wisdom that moves us toward harmony and wholeness. Transmuting Lead into Gold “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” ~ Joseph Campbell The goal of inner alchemy is not to eliminate difficult emotions but to transmute them. Anger can become a source of clarity and action. Fear, when acknowledged, can morph into excitement or heightened awareness. Grief, honored fully, can deepen our capacity for love and appreciation. In this way, we become like the alchemist—turning the lead of our human experience into the gold of wisdom, love, and inner peace. Living as the Alchemist of Your Life To live as an alchemist means embracing the full spectrum of emotions, knowing that within each one lies the potential for transformation. It requires patience, presence, and trust in the process. Alchemy is not an instant change but a gradual unfolding. As we meet each moment with awareness, we practice the art of becoming whole—reclaiming every part of ourselves, including those we have been taught to reject. Inner alchemy reminds us that beauty is not found in perfection but in transformation. The very emotions that once weighed us down can become the source of our greatest strength. As we refine our emotions, we refine ourselves, moving closer to our Essence or True Self. Through this process of transformation, we reclaim our power, heal our wounds, and awaken to the truth that our deepest emotions are not obstacles but opportunities for profound growth. The gold we seek is already within us, waiting to be uncovered—one emotion, one breath, one moment of awareness at a time.
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“Self-care is giving the world the best of you, instead of what’s left of you.” ~ Dodie Clark If, like me, you grew up in a family or culture that celebrates self-sacrifice and putting others before you, it can be easy to confuse self-love with selfishness. Many of us, especially women, are conditioned to believe that prioritizing our own needs means we’re neglecting others, which can lead to burnout if we continue acting on that belief, and to guilt and shame if we don’t. However, self-love and selfishness are not the same thing. In fact, they come from very different places within us. Selfishness is Rooted in Fear and Lack Selfishness stems from a mindset of scarcity. It's driven by fear and the belief that there isn’t enough to go around, that if one wins, the other loses. When someone acts selfishly, they focus on their own desires at the expense of others, often ignoring the needs and feelings of those around them. This behavior is driven by survival, not love. A selfish person is more likely to hoard resources, cling to attention, or manipulate situations to get what they want, even if it causes harm. Their actions stem from the belief that in order to thrive, they must compete or take from others. This attitude leads to disconnection, resentment, and a deepening sense of isolation. Self-Love is Rooted in Abundance and Self-Worth Self-love, on the other hand, comes from a place of abundance and self-worth. It’s not about focusing solely on us while ignoring others’ needs, but recognizing that we are worthy of the same love and care as anyone else. By honoring ourselves and our needs, we are better able to give from a full cup. When we practice self-love, we set healthy boundaries, know when to say no, and prioritize our mental, emotional, and physical well-being. This creates a ripple effect that benefits not only us but everyone around us. By caring for ourselves, we become more present, compassionate, and capable of giving to others without feeling depleted or resentful. We also inspire others to do the same by modeling self-care. This is especially important for parents who want their children to take good care of themselves when they are on their own. Are You Afraid of Being Called "Selfish?" One of the biggest barriers to choosing self-love for many people is the fear of being labeled selfish. This fear can keep us stuck in a cycle of over-giving, people-pleasing, and neglecting our own needs. I came to realize that this was a more significant fear for me than I was willing to admit. Being a good and caring person was always such a big part of my identity that I couldn’t see how much of it was adaptive behavior and how much came from my Essence of True Self. Of course, I am a good person and want to help others, but where do I draw the line? I found that trying to answer this question intellectually only leads to more confusion caused by various conflicting voices in our heads. To know the answer, we need to connect to our innate wisdom—the intelligence of our body. The truth is, we always know what’s good for us and others, and if it weren’t for all the conditioning and learned behaviors, we would never be confused. It’s hard to imagine any other animal being conflicted about whether to nurture herself or tend to her young. Nature took care of it by providing us with instincts. Unfortunately, in our efforts to survive and succeed in a world out of harmony with nature, we’ve become disconnected from this innate intelligence. (Continue reading for tips on how to reconnect with this intelligence and find the balance between taking care of yourself and others that feels right for you.) Others' Opinions and Expectations It’s important to realize that the people who love us want us to be healthy and happy. Those who label our self-care as selfishness are often projecting their own unmet needs and insecurities onto us and are probably benefiting from us not being “selfish.” The reason they do this is that they haven’t learned how to meet their own needs and expect others to keep filling their cup (except in cases where they are children or genuinely unable to care for themselves). While we certainly want to help and give generously, it’s important to remember that sometimes, by over-giving without healthy boundaries, we may inadvertently enable unhealthy behaviors, which don’t serve them either. Of course, each situation is different and requires an individual approach. Still, we must remember that endless selfless giving isn’t always the best for the recipient. In fact, by setting boundaries, we may help them grow and develop more self-awareness and self-regulation. “How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you.” ~ Rupi Kaur True Self-Love Challenges Societal Norms True self-love challenges societal norms that often equate self-neglect with virtue. This is especially true in certain cultures. In my own family, my mother was—and still is—the embodiment of self-sacrifice for those she loves. My father, whom she divorced when I was four, on the other hand, was abusive, selfish, and even narcissistic. I have no memories of him myself, but his behavior (as described by others) definitely qualifies as such. I’m grateful to my mother for making the decision to leave him and willing to endure all the hardships of being a single mother to provide a healthier environment for me and my sister to grow up in. Seeing my self-sacrificing mother who suffered a lot because of my father's selfishness and struggled to forgive him led me to believe that being selfish was the worst thing one could possibly be in the world. I even remember how absolutely devastated I was when once in her anger she said that I was selfish just like him. It was so painful to hear that I almost remember myself deciding at that moment to do anything I could not to be called selfish ever again. Is it any wonder that I became a people-pleaser? Though I now understand that this adaptive behavior was necessary at the time and served me well, today, if I’m unaware of it, the same behavior can limit me and prevent me from living a more fulfilling life. Because our adaptive behaviors are linked to our survival, it doesn’t feel safe to let them go. In fact, it takes courage to stand in our own worth and reclaim our right to happiness and fulfillment, knowing that this may upset the people we care about. Guilt or Resentment - Which One to Choose? As a recovering people-pleaser, I find myself facing this dilemma a lot. Recently, I heard Gabor Maté, an acclaimed trauma expert, speak on the topic of guilt and resentment, which I found quite helpful and wanted to share with you. Maté explains that if we have a tendency to people-please, feeling guilty is often a sign that we are shifting away from unhealthy patterns of self-neglect. Resentment, on the other hand, builds when we consistently ignore our needs and say 'yes' to others out of obligation rather than from a place of genuine desire. Over time, this can lead to emotional exhaustion, anger, and bitterness. He encourages us to lean into that temporary guilt rather than allow long-term resentment, which is a much more toxic emotion. Resentment damages relationships, while setting healthy boundaries ultimately strengthens them. In other words, guilt is a temporary discomfort that, with the right intention, can lead to healthier, more authentic connections with others, while resentment erodes relationships and leads to isolation. The Importance of Healthy Boundaries This is such an important point: healthy boundaries bring us closer to people, while selfish choices lead to disconnection. It’s true that sometimes people close to us may get upset when we choose to prioritize our needs, but if they care about us, they will appreciate and support our choice after the initial upset or disappointment. We need to be willing to give them some time. Another important point is that we need to be willing to do for others what we expect them to do for us. If we want their support when we choose to take care of ourselves, we must be ready to offer the same support in return. This will help build trust and mutually supportive relationships. Here are some questions you can ask yourself to help you distinguish between self-love and selfishness. (This is between you and you so remember to be honest!)
Finding the Balance: Loving Yourself Without Neglecting Others “Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.” ~ Anne Lamott We need to remember that it’s not an either/or situation. Consistently choosing one over the other will eventually lead to negative consequences. Not only can we love ourselves and others simultaneously, but true love for others comes from a place of wholeness within ourselves. When we’re nourished, we can give freely without burnout or resentment. Remember, you are worthy of love—not because of what you do for others, but simply because you are. Loving yourself is the foundation for building healthy relationships, and a successful and fulfilling life. Practical Tips for Balancing Self-Care and Caring for Others
“Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.” ~ Dr. Susan David In a world where there is constant pressure to be perfect, happy, and successful, admitting that we are "not OK" can feel like a personal failure. We live in a culture that glorifies the pursuit of happiness and encourages us to present a picture-perfect version of ourselves. Yet, the reality of life is messy, complex, and often full of challenges. So, the question I invite you to ask yourself is: Are you OK with not being OK? From a young age, many of us receive the message that certain emotions—like sadness, anxiety, or anger—are undesirable. We are often encouraged to push them aside, keep our struggles to ourselves, and continue projecting an image of strength and success. Social media exacerbates this issue by showcasing a filtered version of people’s lives, making it seem like everyone is thriving, achieving, and glowing with happiness. It’s easy to feel like we’re falling behind when we’re dealing with personal struggles, especially when it seems like everyone else has it all together. But the truth is, behind the scenes, everyone has their ups and downs, their difficulties, and moments when they are not OK. This is especially true in the field of personal growth. In my own life—while I could easily feel compassion for others and understood the importance of having it for myself—I often struggled to admit my own negative emotions. I believed that because as a life coach I knew about these things, I had to at least be OK, if not happy, all the time. And of course, some well-meaning people would point it out to me when I was having an emotionally challenging day, saying, “You’re an expert on this, why can’t you help yourself?” I know some of you can relate! It took me many more years and much more work to allow myself not to be OK sometimes—and to be OK with it. And also, to be OK if others judged me for it. It was huge progress, though some days it still may feel like a struggle! “Embrace the glorious mess that you are.” ~ Elizabeth Gilbert It takes courage to admit our difficulties, to be vulnerable, to be authentic. In her groundbreaking research, Dr. Brené Brown highlighted the profound impact of embracing vulnerability on both personal and relational levels. Contrary to the belief that it is a sign of weakness, her findings show that it is a critical aspect of emotional strength and authenticity. When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable by admitting that we are not OK, we make it feel safe for others to be vulnerable too, creating opportunities for deeper connections. Brown notes that vulnerability promotes empathy, which is essential for building supportive and meaningful relationships, leading to an increased sense of community and belonging. There can be also consequences to consistently repressing our true feelings. In The Myth of Normal, trauma expert Dr. Gabor Maté writes that long-term emotional suppression, is often the root of disease. When we deny our pain—whether it’s emotional, physical, or spiritual—it doesn’t disappear. Instead, it festers, contributing to chronic illness, mental health disorders, and addictions as we seek ways to numb the discomfort we learned not to feel. The ability to sit with our uncomfortable feelings is incredibly powerful and essential for our well-being. But understanding why we are not OK with not being OK often requires exploring the deeper layers of our experience, particularly the impact of trauma. As Gabor Maté explains, trauma is not just about the difficult things that happened to us; it is about how those experiences shaped our nervous system, our beliefs about ourselves, and our relationship with the world. Trauma creates fragmentation within the self, leading us to suppress or dissociate from parts of ourselves to survive. Healing requires more than just acknowledging how we feel—it requires integrating the parts of ourselves that have been split off due to trauma. I’ve tried many different approaches for my own healing, but I found Compassionate Inquiry to be truly life changing. This approach, developed by Dr. Maté, invites us to gently explore our emotions and pain with curiosity rather than judgment. By understanding the underlying reasons for our discomfort and reconnecting with our authentic selves, we can begin the process of deep healing. Whether or not you feel ready for this kind of deep exploration, you are exactly where you need to be in your journey, and there are many things you can do for yourself right now. Dr. Rick Hanson, a neuropsychologist known for his work on resilience, suggests that even small, daily acts of self-care can have cumulative benefits. He notes that by consciously focusing on positive experiences—such as moments of calm, connection, or gratitude—we can reshape our neural pathways to develop greater emotional resilience over time. This can give us the inner resources to be able to sit with discomfort long enough when we are ready for the natural process of healing and integration of our wounded parts to take place. One of the most profound lessons we learn about emotions is understanding that they are transient. Neuroscientific research has shown that emotions typically have a short lifespan, often lasting just 90 seconds unless we continue to feed them with ruminative thoughts. This means that even the most intense emotions will pass if we allow them to. The reason we unconsciously avoid, dismiss, or numb our pain is because that’s what we had to do when we were very young and lacked the capacity to tolerate discomfort. Very few of us had an attuned parent or caregiver who could be with us in those moments to help regulate our sensitive nervous systems. Also, as children, we hadn’t yet developed the concept of time, so any experience felt as if it would last forever. As adults, these insights can help us cultivate a healthier relationship with our emotional states. Rather than trying to force ourselves into constant happiness, we can learn to hold ourselves with tenderness and compassion during difficult feelings, knowing that they will pass. If it becomes overwhelming due to unprocessed emotions, we can ask for support from someone we trust, find a community, or seek professional help. The reality is that pretending to be OK when we’re not, in the long term, can harm our mental and emotional well-being. It’s important to remember that being vulnerable and asking for support is not a sign of weakness, but rather an act of courage and self-love. Choosing to be OK with unpleasant emotions is not about choosing to suffer; it’s about choosing not to run away from the truth. When we avoid the truth, we only create more suffering. When we are connected to and know our Essence, we can witness the younger parts of ourselves that are still hurting, waiting to be acknowledged, embraced, and loved. We realize that we cannot become whole by rejecting these parts, because they are simply adaptive behaviors we unconsciously developed in response to life. It is from this place of acceptance and love that we want to create a different reality for ourselves. Being with discomfort is not just a momentary exercise; it is a beautiful doorway to healing and integration, where the fragmented pieces of our being come together, making us whole once again. We come to see that the discomfort we’ve been avoiding is not an enemy, but rather a perceived wall. On the other side of that wall lies everything we’ve been seeking, waiting for us to be ready to rediscover it. And that is the miracle of true healing. “To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh |
Diana Vehuni, Ph.D., is a certified spiritual and holistic life coach, mindfulness meditation teacher, and an artist. She brings together perennial mystical wisdom and cutting-edge scientific knowledge to facilitate profound transformation in her students and clients. Archives
November 2024
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